Injury Update

5 weeks ago, I slipped while bouldering, fell and landed on the side of my foot and fractured my talus. To be honest, before that I didn't know what the talus was. But now I do. I had a lateral talar process fracture, initially diagnosed as a severe sprain. I  got a x ray 2 days after the injury and found out it was actually fractured. I got pretty lucky since the fracture was not displaced. No surgery needed. 

Not my x ray, just for reference

I was non-weight bearing for 4 weeks. Crutches are a bigger pain than expected. For the past 5 days, I have been able to walk (in my aircast boot). And that has been a whole new level of discomfort. Painful, lots of swelling, but still, walking! I made it through 3 days of work, which is the best I have managed since getting injured. I am also able to start working on ankle mobility, which made me realize that in addition to the bone, I also hurt all the tendons and ligaments. It has been very stiff and virtually impossible to move. Today I finally have a small amount of mobility, which I am taking as a win. 

I might come out of the boot in 9 days, then I will be working towards rehabilitating my ankle enough to resume my active hobbies. I miss climbing. I even miss running, which I have such a love/hate relationship with. I missed the whole fall hiking season. I miss going for walks. I was (and am still) hoping to get some snowshoeing in this winter. I am trying to plan my move out of this province. I didn't realize how much of my sanity saving through this hellish year was dependent on active hobbies and goals.

For an active and clumsy person, I have actually been pretty lucky when it comes to injuries. I broke my arm when I was 9, and have had a few issues with tendonitis, some minor twisting of ankles and knees, and one bad shoulder, but overall I mostly do pretty well. I have been to more medical appointments in the past 5 weeks than I had in the previous decade. So I am reasonably confident in my recovery process, and I am planning to return to all of my previous activities as soon as possible.

But I am concerned about the fear when I get back to bouldering. I am already battling a fear of heights (and of failure) every time I get on the well. I am worried that the fear might win when I go back. I'm sure it will be in the back of my head. I don't want it to hold me back. I don't want to miss out on my favourite hobby any longer than I have to. I don't want fear to interfere with my backpacking plans for next summer, or with any of it. Not with any aspect of my life. I already stare down anxiety every time I try a new thing. The depression associated with getting injured has run headfirst into seasonal depression with winter weather hitting this week. 

The thing is that I know I can be tough. I know how to push through. I'm just wondering if I should try a new approach. I am terrible at letting people help me. I hate feeling like I owe them something. I have had too many people act helpful, then hold it over me like an obligation, rather than a true act of kindness. And I like doing things for myself. I like independence and knowing that I can do it on my own. I like doing things the hard way.

I guess my point is that right now, I really don't know where things are going. I don't know how my recovery will go, and that lack of control scares me. I don't know how or when I will be back to my normal activity level. This is a new challenge to face, along with all of the other challenges that 2020 has presented so far. Today I am feeling a little more positive and motivated, but that might not last long. I'm hopeful for the next few months. I never thought I was an optimist, but I have realized that I am full of hope. And I am finally at the point with this injury where I can do something. Work the painful mobility exercises, and try to get back on track.

Who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

 

The only constant is change. Seasons change, people change, the world changes. But the world isn't changing fast enough. People need to pay attention. Our economic system is a mess. Look around. Really listen to what people are saying and then try telling me everything is fine. Everything is not fine. An education shouldn't set you so far behind. Life should not revolve around debt. There are so few good jobs out there. We are so far from where we should be. We were all promised if we worked hard we could have it all. And we were lied to.

And it doesn't end with the economic mess that we are in. Our whole world is a mess. Economics, politics, socially, we are a mess. Prejudice and discrimination run rampant. Misogyny and sexism are part of everyday life. Ableism is such a part of life that it is barely even acknowledged. Privilege allows people to ignore the problems around them. Homophobia is still very much alive and well. Racism is everywhere. I expected better than this. 

It is supposed to be better. We sit around and promise kids that it gets better. Gay and trans kids are still taking their own lives. People have made some efforts, but it isn't enough. The whole world needs to change and it needs to happen faster. It is so much better than it used to be. But still not good enough. We should be better than this. We should all know better. We can't afford to be afraid of changing. We have to be willing to make changes in our lives to be better, to make a better world.

We need to stop destroying our planet. We need to stop destroying each other. We need to change the way we live. We need to be better. It is not enough to mean well. We need to do it. I don't have all the answers. I can't tell anyone how we can go about making this better. But we all have to try. After all, this is it. This life, this is what we have. It is up to us what we do with it and I think it is worth the effort. I think it is worth changing. I think it is worth trying.

We are all connected. Loneliness hurts deep inside, but we really are connected, no matter how isolated we may feel. We have the technology to really be able to connect, but we so often waste it. I know I do. And I think a certain amount of unimportant entertainment is just fine. I also believe that we should devote a little bit of time to educating ourselves in some way. Whether it is reading about politics, checking news headlines, reading about feminism or gay rights or fighting racism, or anything that might help in some way. Education is pretty damn important. And I don't just say that as a daughter of a teacher. It is pretty crucial for someone hoping to make a difference in some way. It helps to be taken seriously when you enter into the debate.

Unsuccessful

Sometimes things fall through, fall apart. That happened with my big vacation plans, although I am not going to get into specifics. My actual point is dealing with disappointment. Because that is a theme for 2020 (and kind of for my whole adult life). This year has been a lot of things. Terrifying, tragic, horrible, but also disappointing. Everything fell apart, everything has changed, nothing is going according to plan. Unfortunately, I have been dealing with that feeling for a while.

So what do you do with the feelings? How do you respond when nothing really works out? It hurts. It hurts to try something you care strongly about and to fail. Whether that failure is actually your own fault, or external circumstances, it still hurts. It hurts to try and fail. And anxiety brain will try to tell you not to try at all. That you can protect yourself from hurting by never trying again. And that is not how I want to live. That is not living. 

That last paragraph applies much more to personal failures, to personal disappointments. And I have had my share. My hobbies have been on a bit of a downward spiral over the last few years. I crashed and burned in public view. My financial situation tanked a little while back, and pulling back out of that takes a lot longer than the fall did. I lost all of my hiking fitness and literally crashed down a very rocky section of a mountain last year. I have been the least fit person on the last 4 hikes I have done. I picked up a minor injury climbing and was unable to try some winter adventures. And this latest adventure, I wasn't even able to try it.

It's been a good run of bad luck, and I can't seem to break the streak. It's painful to fail so spectacularly at things you love. To be bad at the things you desperately want to be good at. The worse part is, it's nobody's fault but mine. There is nobody else to blame. Yes, some external things went wrong, but most of it has been karma, plain and simple. Dealing with the consequences of not fully growing up. 

I could choose not to share this. I could pretend to be bright and shiny. A positive person who takes the life lessons and brightly moves forward. Except I think there is something seriously toxic about pretending that it doesn't hurt. I think it's made harder by the fact that we don't talk enough about how much disappointment hurts, particularly when you are disappointed in yourself. It hurts like hell, and sometimes you just want to lay around and feel sorry for yourself.

So how do you move forward? When do you hold back and when do you push on? Even a 3 year run of non-stop failures hasn't made me feel like giving up. It's like running up a hill and then hitting a wall. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but giving in has never felt like an option to me. I have to try something else and do better next time. 

All this personal failure is existing against the backdrop of the pandemic. It's there, looming over everything. I think everyone is feeling some disappointment about the way this year has gone. It has been a complete non-starter. 

I don't know about everyone, but I am definitely feeling the pandemic-related fatigue and uncertainty. All signs indicate that we are in this for the long haul. And it is exhausting. Every single day. But of course it is all worth it. Lives are literally on the line, and being tired of it is not a good enough reason to give up the fight.

So how do we keep making the most ethical decisions for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities? How do we keep a sense of human connection while keeping our distance? How do we navigate a pandemic safely without treating each other like sources of contagion, like something to fear?

Take a Picture

What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to be?

These are questions I can't answer, but I am falling back into some of my passions, some of my creative side projects. I have loved writing since I was a small child, and I fell hard into photography a few years back. I'm not saying I am going to quit my job and try to make it as a photographer, but I am leaning in to my hobbies and making space for things I love.

The obsession with needing to make money for something to be worth our time is a sign of rot in our society, like dry rot in the foundation. Something we need to fix, even if it is hard, expensive, and takes time. That said, I am not turning this post into a rant against our current version of late-stage capitalism, although I do have a lot of thoughts on the subject. Maybe another day.

What I do want to say is that I have this ridiculous expectation of myself to be good at the things I am interested in right away, without always putting in the effort. I fling myself at these things, and get frustrated when I am not a natural. I don't exactly know why, maybe because school came pretty easy to me when I was younger. But for things like writing, climbing, running, and photography, it takes time and practice. You have to work at it. Get stronger, find your voice, find something you want to say, and say it. In some ways, climbing taught me this. You have to learn technique and strength. And the same is sort of true in photography and writing. I had partially abandoned these hobbies due to fear of failing.

The thing about failure is that it is natural. It is how you learn. Although it is not the only way to learn. You can also study, practice, and learn from others. Obviously with covid, in-person learning is trickier. I had actually been scheduled for a photography class in March, just as covid shut everything down. So now I am in a few online outdoor photography communities, learning about composition, framing, use of light, exposure, and finding your visual flow.

I have a few outdoor adventures coming up, and plan on testing this new learning out on the trails. I'm actually feeling inspired, as much as one can during pandemic times. I guess I am choosing optimism. Choosing to believe that we will get through this and that there will be time for dreaming again. Maybe I am energized by my city passing a new mask bylaw this week. If we can get this under control, we can have a future again. I am putting some faith in science to find a vaccine. It might not last, but I have a little bit of optimism today, so I'm holding on to that.

Before the pandemic derailed everything, I was exploring options on new places to explore, maybe to try living somewhere else. Now things are on hold on that front. I have a little bit of time to explore some hobbies (particularly ones that can be done without crowds). I'm hoping to learn more technique, and explore the beautiful world of landscape photography more over the next little while. I'm trying to pace myself and not expect to be naturally talented. I'm not good at being patient with myself. Life has knocked me down a few times to try to teach me that lesson, but I can be a little hard-headed.

So here we go. Another step in a long line of steps to figuring out who I am and how I want to live. Anyone else in to photography and want to nerd out about it? Let me know! Also, if you're interested, check out my photo page: https://www.flickr.com/photos/playitasitlays7/

So you like hiking?

I want to talk a little about hiking. Because it is my absolute favourite hobby. Added bonus, it goes very well with photography, which is another hobby I am working to improve. 

Hiking brings me joy. Plain and simple. Honestly, solo hiking is probably my most natural fit, although I have had some incredible experiences with other people (and it's safer in bear country). 

I'm a competitive person by nature. I want to excel at the things I love, yet I often love things that are not in my natural wheelhouse. So I often feel like I'm failing. Like I'm struggling, disappointing myself, like I'm losing. And sometimes that happens in outdoor activities. People get obsessed with hiking faster, harder, higher. Peak-bagging, racing up the mountain, all of that. And that is fine if that's your jam. But it doesn't work for me. I love hiking partly because it is outside the endlessly competitive grind of capitalism. It is ok to go slow and enjoy the journey. To literally smell the flowers and trees around you. To stop and take in the beauty, to get the perfect shot, to find a perfect snack spot. There is also definitely the sense of accomplishment when you get up a tricky section and see vast, beautiful views.

But the competition is with yourself. It is okay to just be. Not to have to win. It is enough just to get there. At least that is the mindset I want to be in. I love hiking alone, or with the right people. I want to exist inside that feeling. 

There is also something to be said for the mental benefits of physical activity. Somehow the need to only focus on putting one foot in front of the other can do wonders for my brain. It can bring clarity to a problem, or at least stop the obsessive circular thinking. And walking in the city just doesn't do that for me. Between the city smalls, the constant cat-calls, the crowds, my mind doesn't relax in the same way.  And I guess technically there is a lot of thinking when hiking too. Wildlife safety, terrain safety, route finding. But somehow it is different for me.

I thought I would be more competitive in my hiking, but I have learned that sometimes I like repeating a hike. Or doing something that I know I can do reasonably easily. Sometimes a hard grind up a mountain is extra special, but sometimes a long forest hike can be just what I needed.

I actually dislike being asked to recommend hikes. For the same reason I hate recommending books, music, or movies. Sometimes when you love a thing so much, it is too personal to suggest it to someone else. Like if they don't love it the same way, it feels like maybe they don't understand a part of me. Like it's too entangled with who I am to have any objective sense if anyone else will love it too.

That said, I have been toying with the idea of doing some recaps of some of my favourite hikes (with pictures and my personal opinions). I suppose hiking blogs are a dime a dozen, but I like the idea. Some motivation to get outside my head and try to open up a little bit more. Because I have had some incredibly beautiful experiences over the past few years. And who knows, maybe it could be fun to share some of it.

What I'm trying to say

I never know quite what to say, which is odd for someone who has spent their life loving words. Writing, reading, song lyrics. I am a person who loves words, the way they look on paper, the way the right ones sound. And yet I seldom seem to find the right ones. I come back to conversations with better things I could have said much later. I struggled with speeches, with reading aloud. I struggle with Instagram captions and blog posts. Nothing ever sounds quite the way I want it to. It's a weird feeling, to be drawn to something, and to feel just removed from truly grasping how to do it.

Sometimes that is how my whole life feels. Like I am so close to seeing the thing I have been looking for, but it remains just out of sight, just out of focus. It's right there, but I can't see it. In my mind's blind spot. I know there's something, that thing I actually want to be doing, but it's just beyond my line of sight and I can't quite explain what it is. I don't know if that feeling is universal, or if it is just me.

This is a time where a lot of extremely important things are going on. And I recognize that my crisis of purpose is one of the least critical things to address right now. Although feeling like I need to be more involved in pushing for a truly just society is undeniably a factor in all of this feeling. 

That said, there is one thing I definitely need to say. Because pandemic fatigue is setting in. We are all closing ranks around our chosen units of people, and empathy fatigue is real. People are complaining about wearing masks, cancelling plans, being asked to sacrifice hobbies to save other people.

Hold the line. Just hold on. I can wear a mask, I can sacrifice most of my hobbies. I can skip any trips or ideas, even put big future plans on hold. If it saves even just one life, it will all be worth it. That is not up for debate. If skipping the mask for a day cost one person their life, that would be far too great a cost. I do not understand how this is considered debatable. And I have no interest in having that conversation. 

I know it's hard. I know we are all tired of it. I am too. I have been irritable, short-tempered, and impatient lately. I am missing things I never thought I would. Hiking trips with new people, making random new friends at the climbing gym, visiting my home province, coffee shops. I miss these things. But I would rather temporarily miss these things than miss the people in my life forever. Or be the reason some other family has to suffer. 

I am actually starting to get nervous going to work. Alberta's cases are on the rise again. People don't want to wear masks and distance. Bars are open. And I have to go to work and literally be in people's faces. And yes, we have PPE, we clean everything, but it's still nerve-wracking. Almost all of my hobbies involve lung capacity. And this job is not my great calling in life. It is just how I currently pay the bills. 

We need to step up for each other. I understand the fatigue. I am trying to have greater empathy. But we need to do better.

Don't Read the Comments

"Don't read the comments." We all say it as a way to stay sane online. Particularly for anything anti-racist, anything relating to LGBTQ+ rights, to anything on the left at all. And this current moment is no exception.

Black Lives Matter.

Why is that even a controversial statement? Black Lives Matter. And white "mainstream" society has been acting as if they don't for far too long. I could get into this and write you a whole speech, but there are actual scholars who have written about it far better than I could. Read a book, a few articles. Do your homework on what we are fighting against. Get with the times.

That is not actually what I want to talk about since there are a lot of people better qualified than me who have written a lot of brilliant works on the topic. I'm looking at a specific aspect that got to me for some strange reason.

A number of outdoor brands have shared statements of solidarity with BLM and other anti-racist causes. Many have posted plans to do better going forward. The outdoor industry is dominated by white voices, white images, white (male) people. This is not news. This is not the first (or the last) time that I have delved into this issue. Over the past week or so, many of the outdoor brands that I follow across various social media platforms have posted and been met with extreme anger, hatred, ignorance. Many have been quite diligent about deleting the worst of the comments, but a few of them remain.

These are just a few, from just 2 brands. They are some of the milder ones as the worst of them are being removed. 

I was trying to figure out why this specifically bothered me so much, beyond the obvious. And I think it is because outdoor adventure was supposed to be my happy place. A place where safety was defined by survival and adventure skills, not by fearing what other humans would be a direct threat. Because I don't know any of these people. I bet a lot of them are all talk. But behind all that anger, there is some threat. Some lingering threat that even in my so-called happy place, a lot of people don't feel safe, don't feel welcome. Which I did already know. I just expected better. I don't know why, but I did. I liked the illusion of hikers as a bunch of nature loving hippie souls. 

I knew, I just tried not to see it. It's why I drifted away from some outdoor groups I had been a part of. Too little diversity, too much of the same voices speaking over, interrupting anyone with a different experience. Too much emphasis on "conquering" the outdoors. Not on being in it, being part of it, bringing more people into that place that was supposed to bring us joy.

In Canada, every time I go hiking or running, I am on stolen land. And I do think about it. And how the people the land was stolen from are never the faces you see hiking in national parks. And I have heard every ridiculous excuse. But not very many people asking why? Why don't BIPOC feel welcome by outdoor enthusiasts, by the hiking groups that show up in my social media feeds? Why aren't we doing something about it?

The thing is, even if we transform the outdoor industry (and the world) tomorrow, it will not be soon enough. People at the political center always talk about "incremental change" and urge patience, but actual people are dead. There is no time for patience. It can't change fast enough. 

I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now

Life is weird. Or maybe it's just me. I felt older at 27 than I do at 34. I felt more run down and exhausted. Now, I actually am run down and exhausted (being an essential worked in a pandemic will do that), but I don't feel quite so at the end of my line. I have a better sense of who I am, who I want to be. 

I was out running last night, and I had a moment. One where I realized that I feel like myself again. One of those tiny moments of absolute freedom where I realized that nobody owns me. That the things that weigh me down don't actually matter. Because only I own my mind. 

That's not to say I won't be all over the place again. I will still fall under the weight of stress, anxiety and depression. That's just how it goes sometimes. But underneath all that, I do know that I am more than all that. I have a stubborn, crazy free side to me. That is part of what grates on some people, part of what leaves me always slightly outside of the "regular people" that I can't quite fit with. I refuse to live according to their rules. I'm not out there fighting everything, but I'm not impressed by symbols of success. I'm impressed with who you really are. With what is underneath the facade. 

I had two really interesting conversations about integrity a little while back. In one, I said that I think integrity is a pass/fail quality. Either you have it or you don't. If it's situational, then you actually don't have it at all. Honesty and moral principles aren't up for debate. That doesn't mean a person's actions can't change based on the situation, but your principles are all you have. If they waver under pressure, were they ever really there?

In the second conversation, someone told me I had "too much integrity for the situation" which I think actually said a lot more about that person than it does about me. 

I'm not 100% sure that I have a point with this post except to say that underneath all the illusions, the status symbols, the veneer, underneath all that, we are who we are. And I understand the need to participate in society. I understand wanting to be liked, wanting to feel like you fit. Just not enough to try hard enough to really do it. I just can't. I can't pretend to be impressed, or fawn all over something that doesn't truly matter to me. Integrity matters. And letting go of all that surface stuff takes a huge weight off. I feel younger and more free.

Sometimes it feels a little lonely when you step off the crazy train of all that, but it's also a big sigh of relief. And technically I am still there. I haven't really changed the external, but inside I am not playing games. I'm searching for something else, hitchhiking towards nirvana, walking off my old self, looking for something new. I might be a seeker, like that old song by The Who, or maybe a little Tangled Up in Blue, like my favourite Bob Dylan song. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but it's all true for me.

What's Next?

What do you want to do with your life?

There is a question that I have never been able to answer. Not at any point in my life. As a kid, I had lots of options available, because they all seemed interesting and vaguely possible, but I was not one of those kids who was ever certain. By the time high school rolled around, that question was asked more frequently. And I still had no idea. I did know I wanted a BA. I guess I liked the idea of critical thinking being rewarded with a liberal arts degree.

The university, where everyone asks that question all the time. I still had no idea, although I came up with all the right answers that made me look like I had it together, although on the inside, I was completely falling apart. I got my degree in 2009, and I still can't answer the question.

These days, I sometimes get asked what I thought I would do when I decided on my major. I didn't know, and I still don't. I still love Political Science and Human Rights, but I'm not sure what that means for me professionally. I also love hiking, reading, photography, camping, forests, and so many other interests. I have found things to like about every job I have ever had, but none have ever felt quite right.

Current I work as an ophthalmic technician. I had no plans to end up doing this, I literally stumbled into it. Just like everything else. I feel like every job I have had has happened sort of randomly. Sometimes I was actively trying for something else. 

I don't exactly have any regrets about these random paths I have taken, but none of it feels planned. None of it feels like a "career path." I guess I used to think I would end up "being" a defined thing professionally, and I really haven't. What I am is who I am. I live my life with the freedom and knowledge that I can change it when I need to. Because I have already done so a few times. Sometimes I feel trapped by circumstance, but I know how to pick up and try something different.

So maybe there isn't one big thing I am going to do. Maybe I will keep doing smaller things, and have the big things happen outside of my work life. Or maybe I will find the right thing. I have some ideas for once the pandemic is a little bit behind us. I still have a lot of things I was to experience, places to see, new skills to try to hone. I have not settled, not yet. And maybe this is not the easiest way to be, but when have I ever done anything the easy way? 

Has a song ever made you cry?

I go right to the edge, I go right to the end
I go right where all things lost are made good again
I sing the songs of experience like William Blake
I have no apologies to make

- Bob Dylan - I Contain Multitudes 

Has a song every made you cry with its beauty and perfection? That's what happened when I listened to Bob Dylan's "I Contain Multitudes". That song perfectly encapsulates how I feel, and who I am. Even though it is undeniably a song about Bob Dylan and his actual life. Even though if taken literally, most of it doesn't apply to my life. It still evoke the feelings that I can never quite express properly. And that is the power of music. That is the power of Bob Dylan. With his gravelly, rough voice. With his vaguely cryptic lyrics. With all the things other people might not like. The quiet meandering of the music, the combination of vagueness and specificity in the lyrics.

This is a song that tells you who Bob Dylan is. Like he is actually answering the question people have been asking him for over 50 years. And somehow by answering it, he is also telling you something about me, and probably about a lot of other people who love his music. Because even if the words aren't literally applicable, the feeling is. If you get this song, there is a better chance that you might get me. That you might understand when I try to explain myself. I have recently learned (again) that when I try to explain myself, I often create more confusion and end up feeling like I would have been better off just keeping my mouth shut, keeping my thought to myself. So maybe next time I will just play this song instead. 

I wasn't intending to talk about myself, just rather about a song that I am in love with. Except I think that we are always talking about ourselves when talking about things we love. I have always used music to contextualize my feelings, to explain myself. There is always a bit too much going on inside my head, a few too many thoughts. A song can always explain it better, but it needs to be the right song. And this one is.

A perfect song. At least to me.

We always did feel the same, we just saw it from a different point of view

I wanted to write about something other than the coronavirus pandemic, but everything comes back to that, in one way or another. Because we are in it, and it has already changed us, changed our future. This is one of those big events. We are living through a history lesson right now. And not not for the first time. This has already joined 9/11 and the 2007-2009 financial crisis as defining moments in my life, ones that have changed how we live, work, and exist in this world.

People keep saying they want things to go "back to normal". I don't know what they mean. Why? How? Aren't the social and financial consequences of this pandemic caused by what we thought was normal before? Even the pandemic itself spread in part due to mass travel. So why would we go back to the exact same circumstances? Too many people were already stressed, depressed, and broke. So why can't we shift our perspective? Why can't we treat each other with more kindness? Why can't we recognize the inherent human dignity in our fellow citizens of the planet? Why can't we have fair compensation and reasonable work hours for everyone? 

I know I am a hippie/ lefty/ idealist type. I don't need anyone to tell me that. But I don't think those are insults. I do believe that we can be better. Even if it's not perfect, why not try? If something isn't working, don't we owe it to ourselves to at least try to make it better? We are not just numbers on a balance sheet. Human beings all have inherent value. And I am not someone out of tough with the real world. I know businesses need to make a profit. I understand that. But I am tired of hearing billionaires say they don't have enough money to provide living wages. I am tired of hearing that when stock prices are soaring. Why do shareholders get all the benefits, not the actual people doing the work?

I know just posting some opinions on the internet won't change anything. But I do believe that we owe it to ourselves and to each other to think about how we can live better going forward. Because this is it. This is the life that we have, and we don't know how long it will last. We are not just a business expense to try to reduce. I have sat in too many meetings listening to people say that labour is the easiest cost to reduce. That doesn't work for me anymore. I cannot accept that attitude anymore. Humans can be amazing. And yes, they can also be awful. And there absolutely needs to be consequences for awful behaviour. But there should also be benefits for being kind, for being honest. 

I don't have all the answers. I don't really have any. That said, I do not what I believe in. I am trying to be kinder, to live a life of integrity. Because I truly believe that we deserve better than our old version of normal.

Pandemic Reading

So with everything going on in the world, I kind of expected myself to retreat into the familiar. To repeat binge-watch my favourite TV shows, or movies. I thought I would go into that whole "brain off, TV on" type of mentality. But strangely enough, I can't seem to focus on TV. All I want to do when I am home is read. And it turns out books about fictional pandemics are occupying a lot of my reading list. I am on my 16th book since Covid 19 was declared a pandemic, 7 of which are about fictional pandemics.

I don't know why I am finding pandemic reading so comforting, but I am. Maybe because I lack a real life framework of the full picture of this. Maybe because the reality of working (but not on the actual frontlines) during this thing, with its odd blend of monotony and stress, means that I am experiencing this quite differently than the prevailing narratives online and in the news. Who knows. But apparently I am not the only one finding that these are the books I want to consume at this present time.

So if anyone is curious, here is a quick look:

1. The Marrow Thieves - Cherie Dimaline
I guess this is technically not a pandemic book, but something has ravaged society, leaving everyone except Indigenous people unable to dream, so I am counting it. I read this one at the beginning of March, and it is super haunting. It is essentially a story of survival, and has some uncomfortable echoes of reality underneath. It's a pretty quick read, but it's sticking with me.

2. The Companions - Katie M. Flynn

This book is in the aftermath of a pandemic, but technically not about one. It is more about AI, consciousness, what it means to be alive. It is an interesting look at the ethics of uploading someone's consciousness to keep them around longer than their actual life. I did feel like the book didn't go as deep into exploring those ideas as I had hoped, and found some of the shifting POV kept me from being as invested as I could have been, but overall a pretty good book.

3. The Plague - Albert Camus

The ultimate classic in pandemic books. This one took me a bit longer to read partly due to poor formatting in the ebook version that I bought, but hopefully that is not a universal issue. I usually have a hard time getting into books considered "classics", but this was worth reading. It is a classic for a reason. I did struggle a bit to relate to most of the characters, but overall appreciated it.

4. Severance - Ling Ma

This is one I wish everyone I know would read. I love the satire of modern work life, of charismatic leaders, of nostalgia itself. It's funny and unsettling. I actually find it hard to review without giving anything away. It's the post-apocalyptic story of Candace (the protagonist - self described millennial office drone) switching between the aftermath of a devastating pandemic, and her life leading up to the pandemic. Even the disease itself in thought-provoking. The "fevered" repeat mundane tasks endlessly, brainlessly, until the end. I just don't have the words, but I really think this one is worth reading.

5. Moon of the Crusted Snow - Waubgeshig Rice

This was brilliant. Although I suppose not technically about a pandemic, but something has caused society to collapse with no warning, and given when I read the book, I imagined it as some sort of disease. But this is a story of survival. Of the first people of this country, the ones that don't get the credit they deserve for everything they have already survived. For surviving what was done to them. This one is brilliant and beautiful, and heart-wrenching. 

6. Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel

I just realized how many of these are by Canadian authors, and set at least partially in Canada. Not saying that makes them better, but maybe more relevant somehow. This was a really good book. I was captivated and pulled right into this world right away. It had the right amount of shifting perspectives to be really interesting, but not so many as to be confusing. I also really liked the main characters. I loved the idea of looking at what we might hold on to after surviving the collapse of everything, of art. Sometimes I don't like reading hyped up books because I don't know if they will live up to it, but this one does. It is incredible.

7. The End of October - Lawrence Wright

This one was by far the most disturbing. And very creepy given that it just came out, so was written before all of this, and released right now. That said, if it had been released a year ago, it wouldn't have all the hype. It's just the terrifying similarities to reality. The book is probably 100 pages longer than necessary, and most of the characters aren't quite developed well enough. Overall, I think it was just a bit too unsettling for this present time, but still pretty good. Also, I know this is beside the point, but I am not in love with the cover. I know it is a picture of a virus, but somehow that image doesn't match with the pretty dark story. Anyway, just some of my thought on this interesting class of book to be reading right now. I am thinking of getting into a bit more book reviewing, maybe starting a book blog.