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What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to be?

These are questions I can't answer, but I am falling back into some of my passions, some of my creative side projects. I have loved writing since I was a small child, and I fell hard into photography a few years back. I'm not saying I am going to quit my job and try to make it as a photographer, but I am leaning in to my hobbies and making space for things I love.

The obsession with needing to make money for something to be worth our time is a sign of rot in our society, like dry rot in the foundation. Something we need to fix, even if it is hard, expensive, and takes time. That said, I am not turning this post into a rant against our current version of late-stage capitalism, although I do have a lot of thoughts on the subject. Maybe another day.

What I do want to say is that I have this ridiculous expectation of myself to be good at the things I am interested in right away, without always putting in the effort. I fling myself at these things, and get frustrated when I am not a natural. I don't exactly know why, maybe because school came pretty easy to me when I was younger. But for things like writing, climbing, running, and photography, it takes time and practice. You have to work at it. Get stronger, find your voice, find something you want to say, and say it. In some ways, climbing taught me this. You have to learn technique and strength. And the same is sort of true in photography and writing. I had partially abandoned these hobbies due to fear of failing.

The thing about failure is that it is natural. It is how you learn. Although it is not the only way to learn. You can also study, practice, and learn from others. Obviously with covid, in-person learning is trickier. I had actually been scheduled for a photography class in March, just as covid shut everything down. So now I am in a few online outdoor photography communities, learning about composition, framing, use of light, exposure, and finding your visual flow.

I have a few outdoor adventures coming up, and plan on testing this new learning out on the trails. I'm actually feeling inspired, as much as one can during pandemic times. I guess I am choosing optimism. Choosing to believe that we will get through this and that there will be time for dreaming again. Maybe I am energized by my city passing a new mask bylaw this week. If we can get this under control, we can have a future again. I am putting some faith in science to find a vaccine. It might not last, but I have a little bit of optimism today, so I'm holding on to that.

Before the pandemic derailed everything, I was exploring options on new places to explore, maybe to try living somewhere else. Now things are on hold on that front. I have a little bit of time to explore some hobbies (particularly ones that can be done without crowds). I'm hoping to learn more technique, and explore the beautiful world of landscape photography more over the next little while. I'm trying to pace myself and not expect to be naturally talented. I'm not good at being patient with myself. Life has knocked me down a few times to try to teach me that lesson, but I can be a little hard-headed.

So here we go. Another step in a long line of steps to figuring out who I am and how I want to live. Anyone else in to photography and want to nerd out about it? Let me know! Also, if you're interested, check out my photo page: https://www.flickr.com/photos/playitasitlays7/

So you like hiking?

I want to talk a little about hiking. Because it is my absolute favourite hobby. Added bonus, it goes very well with photography, which is another hobby I am working to improve. 

Hiking brings me joy. Plain and simple. Honestly, solo hiking is probably my most natural fit, although I have had some incredible experiences with other people (and it's safer in bear country). 

I'm a competitive person by nature. I want to excel at the things I love, yet I often love things that are not in my natural wheelhouse. So I often feel like I'm failing. Like I'm struggling, disappointing myself, like I'm losing. And sometimes that happens in outdoor activities. People get obsessed with hiking faster, harder, higher. Peak-bagging, racing up the mountain, all of that. And that is fine if that's your jam. But it doesn't work for me. I love hiking partly because it is outside the endlessly competitive grind of capitalism. It is ok to go slow and enjoy the journey. To literally smell the flowers and trees around you. To stop and take in the beauty, to get the perfect shot, to find a perfect snack spot. There is also definitely the sense of accomplishment when you get up a tricky section and see vast, beautiful views.

But the competition is with yourself. It is okay to just be. Not to have to win. It is enough just to get there. At least that is the mindset I want to be in. I love hiking alone, or with the right people. I want to exist inside that feeling. 

There is also something to be said for the mental benefits of physical activity. Somehow the need to only focus on putting one foot in front of the other can do wonders for my brain. It can bring clarity to a problem, or at least stop the obsessive circular thinking. And walking in the city just doesn't do that for me. Between the city smalls, the constant cat-calls, the crowds, my mind doesn't relax in the same way.  And I guess technically there is a lot of thinking when hiking too. Wildlife safety, terrain safety, route finding. But somehow it is different for me.

I thought I would be more competitive in my hiking, but I have learned that sometimes I like repeating a hike. Or doing something that I know I can do reasonably easily. Sometimes a hard grind up a mountain is extra special, but sometimes a long forest hike can be just what I needed.

I actually dislike being asked to recommend hikes. For the same reason I hate recommending books, music, or movies. Sometimes when you love a thing so much, it is too personal to suggest it to someone else. Like if they don't love it the same way, it feels like maybe they don't understand a part of me. Like it's too entangled with who I am to have any objective sense if anyone else will love it too.

That said, I have been toying with the idea of doing some recaps of some of my favourite hikes (with pictures and my personal opinions). I suppose hiking blogs are a dime a dozen, but I like the idea. Some motivation to get outside my head and try to open up a little bit more. Because I have had some incredibly beautiful experiences over the past few years. And who knows, maybe it could be fun to share some of it.

What I'm trying to say

I never know quite what to say, which is odd for someone who has spent their life loving words. Writing, reading, song lyrics. I am a person who loves words, the way they look on paper, the way the right ones sound. And yet I seldom seem to find the right ones. I come back to conversations with better things I could have said much later. I struggled with speeches, with reading aloud. I struggle with Instagram captions and blog posts. Nothing ever sounds quite the way I want it to. It's a weird feeling, to be drawn to something, and to feel just removed from truly grasping how to do it.

Sometimes that is how my whole life feels. Like I am so close to seeing the thing I have been looking for, but it remains just out of sight, just out of focus. It's right there, but I can't see it. In my mind's blind spot. I know there's something, that thing I actually want to be doing, but it's just beyond my line of sight and I can't quite explain what it is. I don't know if that feeling is universal, or if it is just me.

This is a time where a lot of extremely important things are going on. And I recognize that my crisis of purpose is one of the least critical things to address right now. Although feeling like I need to be more involved in pushing for a truly just society is undeniably a factor in all of this feeling. 

That said, there is one thing I definitely need to say. Because pandemic fatigue is setting in. We are all closing ranks around our chosen units of people, and empathy fatigue is real. People are complaining about wearing masks, cancelling plans, being asked to sacrifice hobbies to save other people.

Hold the line. Just hold on. I can wear a mask, I can sacrifice most of my hobbies. I can skip any trips or ideas, even put big future plans on hold. If it saves even just one life, it will all be worth it. That is not up for debate. If skipping the mask for a day cost one person their life, that would be far too great a cost. I do not understand how this is considered debatable. And I have no interest in having that conversation. 

I know it's hard. I know we are all tired of it. I am too. I have been irritable, short-tempered, and impatient lately. I am missing things I never thought I would. Hiking trips with new people, making random new friends at the climbing gym, visiting my home province, coffee shops. I miss these things. But I would rather temporarily miss these things than miss the people in my life forever. Or be the reason some other family has to suffer. 

I am actually starting to get nervous going to work. Alberta's cases are on the rise again. People don't want to wear masks and distance. Bars are open. And I have to go to work and literally be in people's faces. And yes, we have PPE, we clean everything, but it's still nerve-wracking. Almost all of my hobbies involve lung capacity. And this job is not my great calling in life. It is just how I currently pay the bills. 

We need to step up for each other. I understand the fatigue. I am trying to have greater empathy. But we need to do better.