Unsuccessful

Sometimes things fall through, fall apart. That happened with my big vacation plans, although I am not going to get into specifics. My actual point is dealing with disappointment. Because that is a theme for 2020 (and kind of for my whole adult life). This year has been a lot of things. Terrifying, tragic, horrible, but also disappointing. Everything fell apart, everything has changed, nothing is going according to plan. Unfortunately, I have been dealing with that feeling for a while.

So what do you do with the feelings? How do you respond when nothing really works out? It hurts. It hurts to try something you care strongly about and to fail. Whether that failure is actually your own fault, or external circumstances, it still hurts. It hurts to try and fail. And anxiety brain will try to tell you not to try at all. That you can protect yourself from hurting by never trying again. And that is not how I want to live. That is not living. 

That last paragraph applies much more to personal failures, to personal disappointments. And I have had my share. My hobbies have been on a bit of a downward spiral over the last few years. I crashed and burned in public view. My financial situation tanked a little while back, and pulling back out of that takes a lot longer than the fall did. I lost all of my hiking fitness and literally crashed down a very rocky section of a mountain last year. I have been the least fit person on the last 4 hikes I have done. I picked up a minor injury climbing and was unable to try some winter adventures. And this latest adventure, I wasn't even able to try it.

It's been a good run of bad luck, and I can't seem to break the streak. It's painful to fail so spectacularly at things you love. To be bad at the things you desperately want to be good at. The worse part is, it's nobody's fault but mine. There is nobody else to blame. Yes, some external things went wrong, but most of it has been karma, plain and simple. Dealing with the consequences of not fully growing up. 

I could choose not to share this. I could pretend to be bright and shiny. A positive person who takes the life lessons and brightly moves forward. Except I think there is something seriously toxic about pretending that it doesn't hurt. I think it's made harder by the fact that we don't talk enough about how much disappointment hurts, particularly when you are disappointed in yourself. It hurts like hell, and sometimes you just want to lay around and feel sorry for yourself.

So how do you move forward? When do you hold back and when do you push on? Even a 3 year run of non-stop failures hasn't made me feel like giving up. It's like running up a hill and then hitting a wall. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but giving in has never felt like an option to me. I have to try something else and do better next time. 

All this personal failure is existing against the backdrop of the pandemic. It's there, looming over everything. I think everyone is feeling some disappointment about the way this year has gone. It has been a complete non-starter. 

I don't know about everyone, but I am definitely feeling the pandemic-related fatigue and uncertainty. All signs indicate that we are in this for the long haul. And it is exhausting. Every single day. But of course it is all worth it. Lives are literally on the line, and being tired of it is not a good enough reason to give up the fight.

So how do we keep making the most ethical decisions for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities? How do we keep a sense of human connection while keeping our distance? How do we navigate a pandemic safely without treating each other like sources of contagion, like something to fear?