Everybody movin' if they ain't already there, everybody's got to move somewhere

Everybody movin' if they ain't already there
Everybody got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now

Bob Dylan - Mississippi 

It's that time of year again. When we are down to 8 hours of daylight, and still a month away from the shortest day of them all. When I start to wonder what exactly it is I am doing here. When I start looking to the coasts and considering what I might find there. When I have to remind myself that wherever I might go, I will always take myself. I can't outrun my own head. 

I don't do well with these short days. They say it's Seasonal Affective Disorder. Or they say I'm just tired. It depends who you ask. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither. Maybe it's just that I am not quite made for colder weather and short days. Maybe I'm just the restless type. But I always get the urge to run at this time of year. And I just might consider it if I had any idea what it is that I'm looking for. I have made a couple of big moves without knowing what I was trying to find. While it's hard to regret any of it, I can't help but wonder if a few things might have gone better if I had stopped and thought about what I was hoping to outrun, or to find where I was going. Because if you don't know where you're trying to go, any road could be the right one, or they can all be wrong. Which is all a long-winded way of saying that I am not going anywhere until I can say why.

I'm always restless and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I have always been this way, or if it is a bad habit that I picked up along the way. I get bored and tend to think I have to overhaul everything. So sometimes I do, then another 6 to 12 months later, the feeling is back. So I try to fight it. I really do. I tried to walk it off, to run it off, now to climb above it. Literally. These are the activities I have tried to get myself out of my head and I can't say that I am any closer to any answers. Maybe I will just be restless forever. Maybe that is alright. Maybe I am a seeker, like that old song by the Who. Maybe I do feel like all those Dylan and Springsteen songs that I love so much. Tangled up in blue, born to run, all of it. 

This is the place that my head goes every winter. Definitely since I have been out west. The short days mean that it always feels like a different time of day than it is. I have late night thoughts at 5pm. I overthink it all. I spend too much time in my head, looking for meaning, for purpose, for an answer to the question of what exactly it is that I should do with this beautiful, complicated life of mine. And I do think these questions are worth asking. I'm just not sure that there are absolutely correct answers. Maybe life itself is the point. All you have to do with your life is live it. Or maybe there is an actual thing I am meant to do. And all this stumbling around is teaching me something important for that moment. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between.

These are the contents of my head. Inspired by the music I love, but the movies, the art, the books I have read, the random conversations with strangers and loved ones, the places I have been. One of the big questions that is always ringing around in there is "Does anyone else feel this way? Or is it just me?" Is it alright to spend your life searching for meaning, for some kind of answer. For a sense of purpose, of belonging. I have gotten close a few times, but I tend to live in the space just outside of fitting anywhere. And this is where I will be for the next few months. Exploring these ideas, trying new things, but inhabiting this space. Feel free to come and say hello. It's an exploration, another step on this long strange trip.

Getting comfortable with discomfort

Sometimes it is easy to forget the wins and focus on the negative instead. Sometimes I get caught up in my head, caught up in the things I have failed at, failed to be. I forget the positives. I focus on this intangible feeling that seems to follow me around. The one that says I don't quite fit anywhere. Not really. I didn't fit in the place I was from, so I left. I moved across the country and felt even more "square peg, round hole" than ever. I am a progressive in the most conservative province in the country. I never quite fit anyone else's definition of who I should be, and sometimes it grates like sandpaper on sensitive skin. I am confident in who I am, but not confident in how other people see me. It's just a feeling, and it might not even be true. But it is the feeling that I live with. And location doesn't change who you are. So yes, where I am might be a bad fit, but I'm not sure I could shake the feeling if I lived somewhere else. 

Despite how that started, this is not a negative post, and this is not meant to be a negative blog. I'm honestly not sure of my intention, besides having somewhere to create and share this side of me. Because even with the general discomfort, I feel like I might be starting something. This year has been interesting. Lots of loss, failures, defeats. And lots of wins right alongside. I got a new job. Healthcare, not retail. I started bouldering. Now I am literally climbing the walls in my path.

Mostly, I started focusing on creating pockets of joy for myself. I remembered something important about myself that I might not be able to put into words. I stopped listening to my anxieties so much and started putting myself in uncomfortable, imperfect situations intentionally. For months, I have been beating myself up for falling down a mountain, forgetting that I also hiked it. And people fall down all the time in all kinds of ways. And get back up and walk out. And learn from the damn experience so they can do it better next time. 

So I'm doing more uncomfortable things. I went on a trip that I was literally terrified to try, having a mini panic attack on the plane. And guess what? I had the time of my life. It wasn't totally perfect, but life never truly is. I still felt like I stuck out like a bit of a black sheep, but it was incredible and I met amazing people. I went camping in the Icefields and explored a glacier for Thanksgiving. I have winter camping, backpacking, and ice climbing trips coming up soon. I am taking my first university course in a decade (online this time) next month to try to engage my brain in a different way. I am trying. I am not lying down and letting people walk all over me anymore. 

I am not perfect. I will struggle. I will fail. I will charge in head first with absolutely no plan, because that is who I am. When I was 3, I face planted off the back of my dad's truck because I was trying to fly. I am still that girl, just with more life behind her. I will still have anxiety. I will panic and mess up. People will not always like me. There will be rejection, and it will hurt. But it's life. And you have to find your joy where you can, and learn something along the way. 

At least that is how I'm feeling today.