Sometimes a situation feels endless. The pandemic seems endless, even though there are clear signs of light at the end of the tunnel. It is just dragging on. I am actually only months away from being debt-free, but it is an inconceivable notion. My ankle recovery seems endless, and may actually be a problem for the rest of my life. It seems impossible that I will ever hike to the top of a mountain, that I will ever feel like myself again. Or that I will ever be able to accomplish my backpacking goals. Or move out of this city into the life I am looking for.
And I don't say this out of a state of depression. I actually feel a lot of hope for the future. I am just suffering a failure of imagination. We have been in the grind so long that I can't imagine how it will feel not to be in it. Logically, I know things will change. That is the only real constant of our existence. Optimistically, I have plans for later this summer, and on forward involving outdoor adventures and big life changes. I just can't quite imagine any of it being real right now. Not that I could have imagined the 2020s starting off the way they have either.
To be completely fair, I didn't imagine any of my adult life playing out the way that it has, and I'm not even saying that I hate it or have many regrets. It's just not what I would have predicted. But what can I really say? Life is random. We like to think we can control things, but in reality, isn't it all just randomness? It's scary, vast, and true. It's why people invented religion and politics - to provide some sense of order to a random, terrifying existence. Which is a thought I actually find comforting, even if it prompts other people to call me a heathen (or worse).
I'm not sure what point I am trying to make here. I am actually full of hope. I hope that we will learn a lesson from this pandemic and move forward in a better way. Although I am skeptical given that I live in a province that has had a big display of lack of concern for others, resistance to public health measures, blatant displays of racism, battles with doctors and nurses during a public health crisis, and a fight with a Bigfoot cartoon. It has lowered my expectations.
I am making no predictions. Not for the rest of the year. Maybe I will get to do my planned hiking and camping trips. Maybe I will get back on the climbing wall. I definitely went back to climbing and running too soon, and am currently paying that price. Maybe I need to be more patient with my recovery. For now, my point is that I am still here. Still pushing on. Still hoping.
