What I'm trying to say

I never know quite what to say, which is odd for someone who has spent their life loving words. Writing, reading, song lyrics. I am a person who loves words, the way they look on paper, the way the right ones sound. And yet I seldom seem to find the right ones. I come back to conversations with better things I could have said much later. I struggled with speeches, with reading aloud. I struggle with Instagram captions and blog posts. Nothing ever sounds quite the way I want it to. It's a weird feeling, to be drawn to something, and to feel just removed from truly grasping how to do it.

Sometimes that is how my whole life feels. Like I am so close to seeing the thing I have been looking for, but it remains just out of sight, just out of focus. It's right there, but I can't see it. In my mind's blind spot. I know there's something, that thing I actually want to be doing, but it's just beyond my line of sight and I can't quite explain what it is. I don't know if that feeling is universal, or if it is just me.

This is a time where a lot of extremely important things are going on. And I recognize that my crisis of purpose is one of the least critical things to address right now. Although feeling like I need to be more involved in pushing for a truly just society is undeniably a factor in all of this feeling. 

That said, there is one thing I definitely need to say. Because pandemic fatigue is setting in. We are all closing ranks around our chosen units of people, and empathy fatigue is real. People are complaining about wearing masks, cancelling plans, being asked to sacrifice hobbies to save other people.

Hold the line. Just hold on. I can wear a mask, I can sacrifice most of my hobbies. I can skip any trips or ideas, even put big future plans on hold. If it saves even just one life, it will all be worth it. That is not up for debate. If skipping the mask for a day cost one person their life, that would be far too great a cost. I do not understand how this is considered debatable. And I have no interest in having that conversation. 

I know it's hard. I know we are all tired of it. I am too. I have been irritable, short-tempered, and impatient lately. I am missing things I never thought I would. Hiking trips with new people, making random new friends at the climbing gym, visiting my home province, coffee shops. I miss these things. But I would rather temporarily miss these things than miss the people in my life forever. Or be the reason some other family has to suffer. 

I am actually starting to get nervous going to work. Alberta's cases are on the rise again. People don't want to wear masks and distance. Bars are open. And I have to go to work and literally be in people's faces. And yes, we have PPE, we clean everything, but it's still nerve-wracking. Almost all of my hobbies involve lung capacity. And this job is not my great calling in life. It is just how I currently pay the bills. 

We need to step up for each other. I understand the fatigue. I am trying to have greater empathy. But we need to do better.