5 weeks ago, I slipped while bouldering, fell and landed on the side of my foot and fractured my talus. To be honest, before that I didn't know what the talus was. But now I do. I had a lateral talar process fracture, initially diagnosed as a severe sprain. I got a x ray 2 days after the injury and found out it was actually fractured. I got pretty lucky since the fracture was not displaced. No surgery needed.
I was non-weight bearing for 4 weeks. Crutches are a bigger pain than expected. For the past 5 days, I have been able to walk (in my aircast boot). And that has been a whole new level of discomfort. Painful, lots of swelling, but still, walking! I made it through 3 days of work, which is the best I have managed since getting injured. I am also able to start working on ankle mobility, which made me realize that in addition to the bone, I also hurt all the tendons and ligaments. It has been very stiff and virtually impossible to move. Today I finally have a small amount of mobility, which I am taking as a win.
I might come out of the boot in 9 days, then I will be working towards rehabilitating my ankle enough to resume my active hobbies. I miss climbing. I even miss running, which I have such a love/hate relationship with. I missed the whole fall hiking season. I miss going for walks. I was (and am still) hoping to get some snowshoeing in this winter. I am trying to plan my move out of this province. I didn't realize how much of my sanity saving through this hellish year was dependent on active hobbies and goals.
For an active and clumsy person, I have actually been pretty lucky when it comes to injuries. I broke my arm when I was 9, and have had a few issues with tendonitis, some minor twisting of ankles and knees, and one bad shoulder, but overall I mostly do pretty well. I have been to more medical appointments in the past 5 weeks than I had in the previous decade. So I am reasonably confident in my recovery process, and I am planning to return to all of my previous activities as soon as possible.
But I am concerned about the fear when I get back to bouldering. I am already battling a fear of heights (and of failure) every time I get on the well. I am worried that the fear might win when I go back. I'm sure it will be in the back of my head. I don't want it to hold me back. I don't want to miss out on my favourite hobby any longer than I have to. I don't want fear to interfere with my backpacking plans for next summer, or with any of it. Not with any aspect of my life. I already stare down anxiety every time I try a new thing. The depression associated with getting injured has run headfirst into seasonal depression with winter weather hitting this week.
The thing is that I know I can be tough. I know how to push through. I'm just wondering if I should try a new approach. I am terrible at letting people help me. I hate feeling like I owe them something. I have had too many people act helpful, then hold it over me like an obligation, rather than a true act of kindness. And I like doing things for myself. I like independence and knowing that I can do it on my own. I like doing things the hard way.
I guess my point is that right now, I really don't know where things are going. I don't know how my recovery will go, and that lack of control scares me. I don't know how or when I will be back to my normal activity level. This is a new challenge to face, along with all of the other challenges that 2020 has presented so far. Today I am feeling a little more positive and motivated, but that might not last long. I'm hopeful for the next few months. I never thought I was an optimist, but I have realized that I am full of hope. And I am finally at the point with this injury where I can do something. Work the painful mobility exercises, and try to get back on track.
