With Every Mistake We Must Surely Be Learning

"With every mistake we must surely be learning"

I would say that I'm in a Beatles phase right now, but when am I ever not? But an extra intense one now. As I'm thinking about my future, my goals, my plans. As winter fully sets in and I seem to spend a bit more time inside my own head. Why not spend this time listening to the greatest band of all time? Why not remember the person I used to be who fell in love with this music in another transitional, pivotal moment in my life? Why not continue to ask why this era has always held such significance for me even though I wasn't born yet? Maybe I'm looking for answers in these songs, and maybe I am just appreciating brilliance. Maybe I am still interested in the link between pop culture and societal changes. After all, aren't we still asking the same questions as 60s counterculture? Is there an alternative to what we have been told to expect? Is there another way? How can we live in a way that takes better care of each other and of our planet? These are questions I think about all the time. 

Social media isn't really a place where people share their deeper thoughts anymore. It's not a place I expect people to read my Beatles and life opinions. It's not something I find myself drawn to much anymore. Does anyone log on to care what someone is thinking? Or just to get enraged? I'm done with public comments sections and misinformation.  I'm interested in connection. I severed a lot of ties to people in the past for self-protection. I keep my thoughts inside so that people won't see my sensitive nature, my tendency to feel everything so deeply, to hurt too much from throwaway comments from other people. I tried to harden my shell, to stop being a person who could be labelled "sensitive." And it didn't work. I'm still the same sensitive person who sometimes cries at the beauty of a song, the sadness of a moment, or the rudeness of someone's thoughtless words. And I'm not perfect. I can be mean and insensitive too. That shield of sarcasm I built up around myself isn't going anywhere yet. 

But I'm searching for something too. A link back to a part of myself that I never meant to cut off. The part that had a sense of purpose. I have been pretty aimlessly drifting for a while. Thinking it would come together one of these days. Forgetting the things I learned, the things I wanted to keep learning about. Getting closer to an idea, then running away in fear. Fear of failure. If I never try, it won't be over. I won't have to admit that I'm not smart enough, not special enough for all the things I wanted to be. It's easier to admit to not trying, to never taking off than it would be to crash. And I have already failed with the whole world looking on a few too many times. I already had the sense of exposure and shame of having your secrets revealed and being on display for everyone's judgement. And it felt horrible. I never dealt with the way all of those things felt. I only really started admitting that it even hurt within the past few years. 

So what does this have to do with the Beatles? Absolutely nothing, just a train of thought I went down while listening to a lot of George Harrison's songs on repeat and watching "Get Back." I was thinking about how I used to want to study popular culture and social change. About how that is still a real thing I could do. About how much more that fits for me than the customer service and health care jobs that I have had. About how 15 years later, this is still what I want to do. About how admitting it in print might mean I finally have to try. About how I am scared of trying. How I have tried to be so many different versions of myself and I keep coming back to this one. About how I tried to run away from myself and how that never works. How I tried to break the ties to my own history and just ended up on a ling road back to who I always was. 

So what now? Well for the immediate time being, nothing changes. I keep working, keep thinking about if I really mean it this time. I scope out opportunities, look into funding, and I either take the leap or I don't. Maybe I have learned something with every mistake. Maybe.

 

How does it feel?

Sometimes a situation feels endless. The pandemic seems endless, even though there are clear signs of light at the end of the tunnel. It is just dragging on. I am actually only months away from being debt-free, but it is an inconceivable notion. My ankle recovery seems endless, and may actually be a problem for the rest of my life. It seems impossible that I will ever hike to the top of a mountain, that I will ever feel like myself again. Or that I will ever be able to accomplish my backpacking goals. Or move out of this city into the life I am looking for.

And I don't say this out of a state of depression. I actually feel a lot of hope for the future. I am just suffering a failure of imagination. We have been in the grind so long that I can't imagine how it will feel not to be in it. Logically, I know things will change. That is the only real constant of our existence. Optimistically, I have plans for later this summer, and on forward involving outdoor adventures and big life changes. I just can't quite imagine any of it being real right now. Not that I could have imagined the 2020s starting off the way they have either.

To be completely fair, I didn't imagine any of my adult life playing out the way that it has, and I'm not even saying that I hate it or have many regrets. It's just not what I would have predicted. But what can I really say? Life is random. We like to think we can control things, but in reality, isn't it all just randomness? It's scary, vast, and true. It's why people invented religion and politics - to provide some sense of order to a random, terrifying existence. Which is a thought I actually find comforting, even if it prompts other people to call me a heathen (or worse). 

I'm not sure what point I am trying to make here. I am actually full of hope. I hope that we will learn a lesson from this pandemic and move forward in a better way. Although I am skeptical given that I live in a province that has had a big display of lack of concern for others, resistance to public health measures, blatant displays of racism, battles with doctors and nurses during a public health crisis, and a fight with a Bigfoot cartoon. It has lowered my expectations.

I am making no predictions. Not for the rest of the year. Maybe I will get to do my planned hiking and camping trips. Maybe I will get back on the climbing wall. I definitely went back to climbing and running too soon, and am currently paying that price. Maybe I need to be more patient with my recovery. For now, my point is that I am still here. Still pushing on. Still hoping.

Injury recovery is boring

I believe in being honest about recovering from an injury. I have read a lot of talar fracture stories, and some are filled with toxic positivity (just stay positive and focus on the good things!!) while others are extreme, worst care scenarios (shattered talus, life altering injuries). I think I fall somewhere in between.

To recap, I slipped off a bouldering wall on September 19, 2019. I landed on the side of my left foot (with a wonderful popping sound), was initially told it was just a bad sprain, and found out 2 days later that it was fractured. 4 weeks non-weight bearing, 2 more weeks in an Air Boot. Then, 10 weeks in a brace that I wore while working, or walking for long periods of time, but I am trying to transition out of except for exercising. 

Up until about 3 weeks ago, I truly believed I could be back to climbing and running, and all my previous activity level by early February. I am starting to see that this is unlikely. It's frustrating, and I wish that my doctor or physiotherapist had been more upfront with me. When I said what activities I wanted to get back to, they should have told me a realistic timeframe. I don't feel that my treatment plan has been wrong, but the mental aspect is crushing me. This is where I needed a reality check that nobody gave me. And I'm doing the work. I am exercising it every day, taking the stairs in my apartment, stretching it when watching TV, sucking up the pain, and following all medical advice. It's just going to take time.

So what are my goals? 

1. Get back on a bouldering wall ASAP. Yes, this is a bouldering injury. No, that is not going to stop me. In finding bouldering, I have found an activity that I love, a place where I can focus on the activity in front of me, use problem-solving skills, and push myself physically. It hurts not to know when I can go back.

2. Hiking. I want to knock some trails off my hiking bucket list this summer. I need my ankle to be flexible and strong to go up steep hills. I have some backpacking trips I was hoping to do, so I need to be able to carry a relatively heavy pack.

3. Photography. Technically this is the easiest to do with an injured ankle, but it helps to be pretty mobile to get different angles. Plus I like landscape photography, so I need to be able to walk to the best photo spots.

4. Snowshoeing. I really wanted to get out a few times this year, even just to Elk Island. I'm hoping I might be able to do it late season (maybe early March?), but we will see.

5. Running. I'm not the best runner out there, but I like being able to go out 5-10km a few times a week. I think this might be one of the harder ones to get back to, with the impact and the motion.

So how far away am I? Right now, I recently became able to flex my ankle past 90 degrees (and my non-injured one is hypermobile in that direction). I can do a handful of squats, but not very low. I'm scared to even go for a walk with the ice (who knows what would happen if I rolled that ankle). I'm working on strength, but it is still wobbly. Also, it hurts and swells every day, particularly working on my feet. It's extremely stiff in the mornings. It's been 20 weeks, and it feels like progress has stalled. I'm losing motivation, and people keep saying to focus on the positive. While I know they mean well, it's frustrating. It feels like my anger and sadness are being invalidated. And the dismissive "You're young(ish), it seems fine, why are you complaining?" 

I have been in pain every day for 20 weeks. And this might be my new normal. I can deal with the pain if it means getting back to the things I love. I just wish someone would be honest with me about the timeline.

And the pandemic makes it hard too. I can't go to a regular gym, who knows when climbing will be able to safely reopen. So how will this all go? Who can say? I am slowly finding I feel less pain and notice less swelling, but the gap between here and the activity level I want just seems insurmountable. I cannot believe that one little slip landed me here. I have been failing spectacularly at my hobbies over the last few years. It hurts (inside and out), and it's embarrassing. I don't quite know how to make it better. I just know I have to try.

Injury Update

5 weeks ago, I slipped while bouldering, fell and landed on the side of my foot and fractured my talus. To be honest, before that I didn't know what the talus was. But now I do. I had a lateral talar process fracture, initially diagnosed as a severe sprain. I  got a x ray 2 days after the injury and found out it was actually fractured. I got pretty lucky since the fracture was not displaced. No surgery needed. 

Not my x ray, just for reference

I was non-weight bearing for 4 weeks. Crutches are a bigger pain than expected. For the past 5 days, I have been able to walk (in my aircast boot). And that has been a whole new level of discomfort. Painful, lots of swelling, but still, walking! I made it through 3 days of work, which is the best I have managed since getting injured. I am also able to start working on ankle mobility, which made me realize that in addition to the bone, I also hurt all the tendons and ligaments. It has been very stiff and virtually impossible to move. Today I finally have a small amount of mobility, which I am taking as a win. 

I might come out of the boot in 9 days, then I will be working towards rehabilitating my ankle enough to resume my active hobbies. I miss climbing. I even miss running, which I have such a love/hate relationship with. I missed the whole fall hiking season. I miss going for walks. I was (and am still) hoping to get some snowshoeing in this winter. I am trying to plan my move out of this province. I didn't realize how much of my sanity saving through this hellish year was dependent on active hobbies and goals.

For an active and clumsy person, I have actually been pretty lucky when it comes to injuries. I broke my arm when I was 9, and have had a few issues with tendonitis, some minor twisting of ankles and knees, and one bad shoulder, but overall I mostly do pretty well. I have been to more medical appointments in the past 5 weeks than I had in the previous decade. So I am reasonably confident in my recovery process, and I am planning to return to all of my previous activities as soon as possible.

But I am concerned about the fear when I get back to bouldering. I am already battling a fear of heights (and of failure) every time I get on the well. I am worried that the fear might win when I go back. I'm sure it will be in the back of my head. I don't want it to hold me back. I don't want to miss out on my favourite hobby any longer than I have to. I don't want fear to interfere with my backpacking plans for next summer, or with any of it. Not with any aspect of my life. I already stare down anxiety every time I try a new thing. The depression associated with getting injured has run headfirst into seasonal depression with winter weather hitting this week. 

The thing is that I know I can be tough. I know how to push through. I'm just wondering if I should try a new approach. I am terrible at letting people help me. I hate feeling like I owe them something. I have had too many people act helpful, then hold it over me like an obligation, rather than a true act of kindness. And I like doing things for myself. I like independence and knowing that I can do it on my own. I like doing things the hard way.

I guess my point is that right now, I really don't know where things are going. I don't know how my recovery will go, and that lack of control scares me. I don't know how or when I will be back to my normal activity level. This is a new challenge to face, along with all of the other challenges that 2020 has presented so far. Today I am feeling a little more positive and motivated, but that might not last long. I'm hopeful for the next few months. I never thought I was an optimist, but I have realized that I am full of hope. And I am finally at the point with this injury where I can do something. Work the painful mobility exercises, and try to get back on track.

Who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

 

The only constant is change. Seasons change, people change, the world changes. But the world isn't changing fast enough. People need to pay attention. Our economic system is a mess. Look around. Really listen to what people are saying and then try telling me everything is fine. Everything is not fine. An education shouldn't set you so far behind. Life should not revolve around debt. There are so few good jobs out there. We are so far from where we should be. We were all promised if we worked hard we could have it all. And we were lied to.

And it doesn't end with the economic mess that we are in. Our whole world is a mess. Economics, politics, socially, we are a mess. Prejudice and discrimination run rampant. Misogyny and sexism are part of everyday life. Ableism is such a part of life that it is barely even acknowledged. Privilege allows people to ignore the problems around them. Homophobia is still very much alive and well. Racism is everywhere. I expected better than this. 

It is supposed to be better. We sit around and promise kids that it gets better. Gay and trans kids are still taking their own lives. People have made some efforts, but it isn't enough. The whole world needs to change and it needs to happen faster. It is so much better than it used to be. But still not good enough. We should be better than this. We should all know better. We can't afford to be afraid of changing. We have to be willing to make changes in our lives to be better, to make a better world.

We need to stop destroying our planet. We need to stop destroying each other. We need to change the way we live. We need to be better. It is not enough to mean well. We need to do it. I don't have all the answers. I can't tell anyone how we can go about making this better. But we all have to try. After all, this is it. This life, this is what we have. It is up to us what we do with it and I think it is worth the effort. I think it is worth changing. I think it is worth trying.

We are all connected. Loneliness hurts deep inside, but we really are connected, no matter how isolated we may feel. We have the technology to really be able to connect, but we so often waste it. I know I do. And I think a certain amount of unimportant entertainment is just fine. I also believe that we should devote a little bit of time to educating ourselves in some way. Whether it is reading about politics, checking news headlines, reading about feminism or gay rights or fighting racism, or anything that might help in some way. Education is pretty damn important. And I don't just say that as a daughter of a teacher. It is pretty crucial for someone hoping to make a difference in some way. It helps to be taken seriously when you enter into the debate.

Unsuccessful

Sometimes things fall through, fall apart. That happened with my big vacation plans, although I am not going to get into specifics. My actual point is dealing with disappointment. Because that is a theme for 2020 (and kind of for my whole adult life). This year has been a lot of things. Terrifying, tragic, horrible, but also disappointing. Everything fell apart, everything has changed, nothing is going according to plan. Unfortunately, I have been dealing with that feeling for a while.

So what do you do with the feelings? How do you respond when nothing really works out? It hurts. It hurts to try something you care strongly about and to fail. Whether that failure is actually your own fault, or external circumstances, it still hurts. It hurts to try and fail. And anxiety brain will try to tell you not to try at all. That you can protect yourself from hurting by never trying again. And that is not how I want to live. That is not living. 

That last paragraph applies much more to personal failures, to personal disappointments. And I have had my share. My hobbies have been on a bit of a downward spiral over the last few years. I crashed and burned in public view. My financial situation tanked a little while back, and pulling back out of that takes a lot longer than the fall did. I lost all of my hiking fitness and literally crashed down a very rocky section of a mountain last year. I have been the least fit person on the last 4 hikes I have done. I picked up a minor injury climbing and was unable to try some winter adventures. And this latest adventure, I wasn't even able to try it.

It's been a good run of bad luck, and I can't seem to break the streak. It's painful to fail so spectacularly at things you love. To be bad at the things you desperately want to be good at. The worse part is, it's nobody's fault but mine. There is nobody else to blame. Yes, some external things went wrong, but most of it has been karma, plain and simple. Dealing with the consequences of not fully growing up. 

I could choose not to share this. I could pretend to be bright and shiny. A positive person who takes the life lessons and brightly moves forward. Except I think there is something seriously toxic about pretending that it doesn't hurt. I think it's made harder by the fact that we don't talk enough about how much disappointment hurts, particularly when you are disappointed in yourself. It hurts like hell, and sometimes you just want to lay around and feel sorry for yourself.

So how do you move forward? When do you hold back and when do you push on? Even a 3 year run of non-stop failures hasn't made me feel like giving up. It's like running up a hill and then hitting a wall. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but giving in has never felt like an option to me. I have to try something else and do better next time. 

All this personal failure is existing against the backdrop of the pandemic. It's there, looming over everything. I think everyone is feeling some disappointment about the way this year has gone. It has been a complete non-starter. 

I don't know about everyone, but I am definitely feeling the pandemic-related fatigue and uncertainty. All signs indicate that we are in this for the long haul. And it is exhausting. Every single day. But of course it is all worth it. Lives are literally on the line, and being tired of it is not a good enough reason to give up the fight.

So how do we keep making the most ethical decisions for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities? How do we keep a sense of human connection while keeping our distance? How do we navigate a pandemic safely without treating each other like sources of contagion, like something to fear?

Take a Picture

What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to be?

These are questions I can't answer, but I am falling back into some of my passions, some of my creative side projects. I have loved writing since I was a small child, and I fell hard into photography a few years back. I'm not saying I am going to quit my job and try to make it as a photographer, but I am leaning in to my hobbies and making space for things I love.

The obsession with needing to make money for something to be worth our time is a sign of rot in our society, like dry rot in the foundation. Something we need to fix, even if it is hard, expensive, and takes time. That said, I am not turning this post into a rant against our current version of late-stage capitalism, although I do have a lot of thoughts on the subject. Maybe another day.

What I do want to say is that I have this ridiculous expectation of myself to be good at the things I am interested in right away, without always putting in the effort. I fling myself at these things, and get frustrated when I am not a natural. I don't exactly know why, maybe because school came pretty easy to me when I was younger. But for things like writing, climbing, running, and photography, it takes time and practice. You have to work at it. Get stronger, find your voice, find something you want to say, and say it. In some ways, climbing taught me this. You have to learn technique and strength. And the same is sort of true in photography and writing. I had partially abandoned these hobbies due to fear of failing.

The thing about failure is that it is natural. It is how you learn. Although it is not the only way to learn. You can also study, practice, and learn from others. Obviously with covid, in-person learning is trickier. I had actually been scheduled for a photography class in March, just as covid shut everything down. So now I am in a few online outdoor photography communities, learning about composition, framing, use of light, exposure, and finding your visual flow.

I have a few outdoor adventures coming up, and plan on testing this new learning out on the trails. I'm actually feeling inspired, as much as one can during pandemic times. I guess I am choosing optimism. Choosing to believe that we will get through this and that there will be time for dreaming again. Maybe I am energized by my city passing a new mask bylaw this week. If we can get this under control, we can have a future again. I am putting some faith in science to find a vaccine. It might not last, but I have a little bit of optimism today, so I'm holding on to that.

Before the pandemic derailed everything, I was exploring options on new places to explore, maybe to try living somewhere else. Now things are on hold on that front. I have a little bit of time to explore some hobbies (particularly ones that can be done without crowds). I'm hoping to learn more technique, and explore the beautiful world of landscape photography more over the next little while. I'm trying to pace myself and not expect to be naturally talented. I'm not good at being patient with myself. Life has knocked me down a few times to try to teach me that lesson, but I can be a little hard-headed.

So here we go. Another step in a long line of steps to figuring out who I am and how I want to live. Anyone else in to photography and want to nerd out about it? Let me know! Also, if you're interested, check out my photo page: https://www.flickr.com/photos/playitasitlays7/