I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now

Life is weird. Or maybe it's just me. I felt older at 27 than I do at 34. I felt more run down and exhausted. Now, I actually am run down and exhausted (being an essential worked in a pandemic will do that), but I don't feel quite so at the end of my line. I have a better sense of who I am, who I want to be. 

I was out running last night, and I had a moment. One where I realized that I feel like myself again. One of those tiny moments of absolute freedom where I realized that nobody owns me. That the things that weigh me down don't actually matter. Because only I own my mind. 

That's not to say I won't be all over the place again. I will still fall under the weight of stress, anxiety and depression. That's just how it goes sometimes. But underneath all that, I do know that I am more than all that. I have a stubborn, crazy free side to me. That is part of what grates on some people, part of what leaves me always slightly outside of the "regular people" that I can't quite fit with. I refuse to live according to their rules. I'm not out there fighting everything, but I'm not impressed by symbols of success. I'm impressed with who you really are. With what is underneath the facade. 

I had two really interesting conversations about integrity a little while back. In one, I said that I think integrity is a pass/fail quality. Either you have it or you don't. If it's situational, then you actually don't have it at all. Honesty and moral principles aren't up for debate. That doesn't mean a person's actions can't change based on the situation, but your principles are all you have. If they waver under pressure, were they ever really there?

In the second conversation, someone told me I had "too much integrity for the situation" which I think actually said a lot more about that person than it does about me. 

I'm not 100% sure that I have a point with this post except to say that underneath all the illusions, the status symbols, the veneer, underneath all that, we are who we are. And I understand the need to participate in society. I understand wanting to be liked, wanting to feel like you fit. Just not enough to try hard enough to really do it. I just can't. I can't pretend to be impressed, or fawn all over something that doesn't truly matter to me. Integrity matters. And letting go of all that surface stuff takes a huge weight off. I feel younger and more free.

Sometimes it feels a little lonely when you step off the crazy train of all that, but it's also a big sigh of relief. And technically I am still there. I haven't really changed the external, but inside I am not playing games. I'm searching for something else, hitchhiking towards nirvana, walking off my old self, looking for something new. I might be a seeker, like that old song by The Who, or maybe a little Tangled Up in Blue, like my favourite Bob Dylan song. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but it's all true for me.

What's Next?

What do you want to do with your life?

There is a question that I have never been able to answer. Not at any point in my life. As a kid, I had lots of options available, because they all seemed interesting and vaguely possible, but I was not one of those kids who was ever certain. By the time high school rolled around, that question was asked more frequently. And I still had no idea. I did know I wanted a BA. I guess I liked the idea of critical thinking being rewarded with a liberal arts degree.

The university, where everyone asks that question all the time. I still had no idea, although I came up with all the right answers that made me look like I had it together, although on the inside, I was completely falling apart. I got my degree in 2009, and I still can't answer the question.

These days, I sometimes get asked what I thought I would do when I decided on my major. I didn't know, and I still don't. I still love Political Science and Human Rights, but I'm not sure what that means for me professionally. I also love hiking, reading, photography, camping, forests, and so many other interests. I have found things to like about every job I have ever had, but none have ever felt quite right.

Current I work as an ophthalmic technician. I had no plans to end up doing this, I literally stumbled into it. Just like everything else. I feel like every job I have had has happened sort of randomly. Sometimes I was actively trying for something else. 

I don't exactly have any regrets about these random paths I have taken, but none of it feels planned. None of it feels like a "career path." I guess I used to think I would end up "being" a defined thing professionally, and I really haven't. What I am is who I am. I live my life with the freedom and knowledge that I can change it when I need to. Because I have already done so a few times. Sometimes I feel trapped by circumstance, but I know how to pick up and try something different.

So maybe there isn't one big thing I am going to do. Maybe I will keep doing smaller things, and have the big things happen outside of my work life. Or maybe I will find the right thing. I have some ideas for once the pandemic is a little bit behind us. I still have a lot of things I was to experience, places to see, new skills to try to hone. I have not settled, not yet. And maybe this is not the easiest way to be, but when have I ever done anything the easy way? 

Has a song ever made you cry?

I go right to the edge, I go right to the end
I go right where all things lost are made good again
I sing the songs of experience like William Blake
I have no apologies to make

- Bob Dylan - I Contain Multitudes 

Has a song every made you cry with its beauty and perfection? That's what happened when I listened to Bob Dylan's "I Contain Multitudes". That song perfectly encapsulates how I feel, and who I am. Even though it is undeniably a song about Bob Dylan and his actual life. Even though if taken literally, most of it doesn't apply to my life. It still evoke the feelings that I can never quite express properly. And that is the power of music. That is the power of Bob Dylan. With his gravelly, rough voice. With his vaguely cryptic lyrics. With all the things other people might not like. The quiet meandering of the music, the combination of vagueness and specificity in the lyrics.

This is a song that tells you who Bob Dylan is. Like he is actually answering the question people have been asking him for over 50 years. And somehow by answering it, he is also telling you something about me, and probably about a lot of other people who love his music. Because even if the words aren't literally applicable, the feeling is. If you get this song, there is a better chance that you might get me. That you might understand when I try to explain myself. I have recently learned (again) that when I try to explain myself, I often create more confusion and end up feeling like I would have been better off just keeping my mouth shut, keeping my thought to myself. So maybe next time I will just play this song instead. 

I wasn't intending to talk about myself, just rather about a song that I am in love with. Except I think that we are always talking about ourselves when talking about things we love. I have always used music to contextualize my feelings, to explain myself. There is always a bit too much going on inside my head, a few too many thoughts. A song can always explain it better, but it needs to be the right song. And this one is.

A perfect song. At least to me.

We always did feel the same, we just saw it from a different point of view

I wanted to write about something other than the coronavirus pandemic, but everything comes back to that, in one way or another. Because we are in it, and it has already changed us, changed our future. This is one of those big events. We are living through a history lesson right now. And not not for the first time. This has already joined 9/11 and the 2007-2009 financial crisis as defining moments in my life, ones that have changed how we live, work, and exist in this world.

People keep saying they want things to go "back to normal". I don't know what they mean. Why? How? Aren't the social and financial consequences of this pandemic caused by what we thought was normal before? Even the pandemic itself spread in part due to mass travel. So why would we go back to the exact same circumstances? Too many people were already stressed, depressed, and broke. So why can't we shift our perspective? Why can't we treat each other with more kindness? Why can't we recognize the inherent human dignity in our fellow citizens of the planet? Why can't we have fair compensation and reasonable work hours for everyone? 

I know I am a hippie/ lefty/ idealist type. I don't need anyone to tell me that. But I don't think those are insults. I do believe that we can be better. Even if it's not perfect, why not try? If something isn't working, don't we owe it to ourselves to at least try to make it better? We are not just numbers on a balance sheet. Human beings all have inherent value. And I am not someone out of tough with the real world. I know businesses need to make a profit. I understand that. But I am tired of hearing billionaires say they don't have enough money to provide living wages. I am tired of hearing that when stock prices are soaring. Why do shareholders get all the benefits, not the actual people doing the work?

I know just posting some opinions on the internet won't change anything. But I do believe that we owe it to ourselves and to each other to think about how we can live better going forward. Because this is it. This is the life that we have, and we don't know how long it will last. We are not just a business expense to try to reduce. I have sat in too many meetings listening to people say that labour is the easiest cost to reduce. That doesn't work for me anymore. I cannot accept that attitude anymore. Humans can be amazing. And yes, they can also be awful. And there absolutely needs to be consequences for awful behaviour. But there should also be benefits for being kind, for being honest. 

I don't have all the answers. I don't really have any. That said, I do not what I believe in. I am trying to be kinder, to live a life of integrity. Because I truly believe that we deserve better than our old version of normal.

Pandemic Reading

So with everything going on in the world, I kind of expected myself to retreat into the familiar. To repeat binge-watch my favourite TV shows, or movies. I thought I would go into that whole "brain off, TV on" type of mentality. But strangely enough, I can't seem to focus on TV. All I want to do when I am home is read. And it turns out books about fictional pandemics are occupying a lot of my reading list. I am on my 16th book since Covid 19 was declared a pandemic, 7 of which are about fictional pandemics.

I don't know why I am finding pandemic reading so comforting, but I am. Maybe because I lack a real life framework of the full picture of this. Maybe because the reality of working (but not on the actual frontlines) during this thing, with its odd blend of monotony and stress, means that I am experiencing this quite differently than the prevailing narratives online and in the news. Who knows. But apparently I am not the only one finding that these are the books I want to consume at this present time.

So if anyone is curious, here is a quick look:

1. The Marrow Thieves - Cherie Dimaline
I guess this is technically not a pandemic book, but something has ravaged society, leaving everyone except Indigenous people unable to dream, so I am counting it. I read this one at the beginning of March, and it is super haunting. It is essentially a story of survival, and has some uncomfortable echoes of reality underneath. It's a pretty quick read, but it's sticking with me.

2. The Companions - Katie M. Flynn

This book is in the aftermath of a pandemic, but technically not about one. It is more about AI, consciousness, what it means to be alive. It is an interesting look at the ethics of uploading someone's consciousness to keep them around longer than their actual life. I did feel like the book didn't go as deep into exploring those ideas as I had hoped, and found some of the shifting POV kept me from being as invested as I could have been, but overall a pretty good book.

3. The Plague - Albert Camus

The ultimate classic in pandemic books. This one took me a bit longer to read partly due to poor formatting in the ebook version that I bought, but hopefully that is not a universal issue. I usually have a hard time getting into books considered "classics", but this was worth reading. It is a classic for a reason. I did struggle a bit to relate to most of the characters, but overall appreciated it.

4. Severance - Ling Ma

This is one I wish everyone I know would read. I love the satire of modern work life, of charismatic leaders, of nostalgia itself. It's funny and unsettling. I actually find it hard to review without giving anything away. It's the post-apocalyptic story of Candace (the protagonist - self described millennial office drone) switching between the aftermath of a devastating pandemic, and her life leading up to the pandemic. Even the disease itself in thought-provoking. The "fevered" repeat mundane tasks endlessly, brainlessly, until the end. I just don't have the words, but I really think this one is worth reading.

5. Moon of the Crusted Snow - Waubgeshig Rice

This was brilliant. Although I suppose not technically about a pandemic, but something has caused society to collapse with no warning, and given when I read the book, I imagined it as some sort of disease. But this is a story of survival. Of the first people of this country, the ones that don't get the credit they deserve for everything they have already survived. For surviving what was done to them. This one is brilliant and beautiful, and heart-wrenching. 

6. Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel

I just realized how many of these are by Canadian authors, and set at least partially in Canada. Not saying that makes them better, but maybe more relevant somehow. This was a really good book. I was captivated and pulled right into this world right away. It had the right amount of shifting perspectives to be really interesting, but not so many as to be confusing. I also really liked the main characters. I loved the idea of looking at what we might hold on to after surviving the collapse of everything, of art. Sometimes I don't like reading hyped up books because I don't know if they will live up to it, but this one does. It is incredible.

7. The End of October - Lawrence Wright

This one was by far the most disturbing. And very creepy given that it just came out, so was written before all of this, and released right now. That said, if it had been released a year ago, it wouldn't have all the hype. It's just the terrifying similarities to reality. The book is probably 100 pages longer than necessary, and most of the characters aren't quite developed well enough. Overall, I think it was just a bit too unsettling for this present time, but still pretty good. Also, I know this is beside the point, but I am not in love with the cover. I know it is a picture of a virus, but somehow that image doesn't match with the pretty dark story. Anyway, just some of my thought on this interesting class of book to be reading right now. I am thinking of getting into a bit more book reviewing, maybe starting a book blog.