With Every Mistake We Must Surely Be Learning

"With every mistake we must surely be learning"

I would say that I'm in a Beatles phase right now, but when am I ever not? But an extra intense one now. As I'm thinking about my future, my goals, my plans. As winter fully sets in and I seem to spend a bit more time inside my own head. Why not spend this time listening to the greatest band of all time? Why not remember the person I used to be who fell in love with this music in another transitional, pivotal moment in my life? Why not continue to ask why this era has always held such significance for me even though I wasn't born yet? Maybe I'm looking for answers in these songs, and maybe I am just appreciating brilliance. Maybe I am still interested in the link between pop culture and societal changes. After all, aren't we still asking the same questions as 60s counterculture? Is there an alternative to what we have been told to expect? Is there another way? How can we live in a way that takes better care of each other and of our planet? These are questions I think about all the time. 

Social media isn't really a place where people share their deeper thoughts anymore. It's not a place I expect people to read my Beatles and life opinions. It's not something I find myself drawn to much anymore. Does anyone log on to care what someone is thinking? Or just to get enraged? I'm done with public comments sections and misinformation.  I'm interested in connection. I severed a lot of ties to people in the past for self-protection. I keep my thoughts inside so that people won't see my sensitive nature, my tendency to feel everything so deeply, to hurt too much from throwaway comments from other people. I tried to harden my shell, to stop being a person who could be labelled "sensitive." And it didn't work. I'm still the same sensitive person who sometimes cries at the beauty of a song, the sadness of a moment, or the rudeness of someone's thoughtless words. And I'm not perfect. I can be mean and insensitive too. That shield of sarcasm I built up around myself isn't going anywhere yet. 

But I'm searching for something too. A link back to a part of myself that I never meant to cut off. The part that had a sense of purpose. I have been pretty aimlessly drifting for a while. Thinking it would come together one of these days. Forgetting the things I learned, the things I wanted to keep learning about. Getting closer to an idea, then running away in fear. Fear of failure. If I never try, it won't be over. I won't have to admit that I'm not smart enough, not special enough for all the things I wanted to be. It's easier to admit to not trying, to never taking off than it would be to crash. And I have already failed with the whole world looking on a few too many times. I already had the sense of exposure and shame of having your secrets revealed and being on display for everyone's judgement. And it felt horrible. I never dealt with the way all of those things felt. I only really started admitting that it even hurt within the past few years. 

So what does this have to do with the Beatles? Absolutely nothing, just a train of thought I went down while listening to a lot of George Harrison's songs on repeat and watching "Get Back." I was thinking about how I used to want to study popular culture and social change. About how that is still a real thing I could do. About how much more that fits for me than the customer service and health care jobs that I have had. About how 15 years later, this is still what I want to do. About how admitting it in print might mean I finally have to try. About how I am scared of trying. How I have tried to be so many different versions of myself and I keep coming back to this one. About how I tried to run away from myself and how that never works. How I tried to break the ties to my own history and just ended up on a ling road back to who I always was. 

So what now? Well for the immediate time being, nothing changes. I keep working, keep thinking about if I really mean it this time. I scope out opportunities, look into funding, and I either take the leap or I don't. Maybe I have learned something with every mistake. Maybe.

 

How does it feel?

Sometimes a situation feels endless. The pandemic seems endless, even though there are clear signs of light at the end of the tunnel. It is just dragging on. I am actually only months away from being debt-free, but it is an inconceivable notion. My ankle recovery seems endless, and may actually be a problem for the rest of my life. It seems impossible that I will ever hike to the top of a mountain, that I will ever feel like myself again. Or that I will ever be able to accomplish my backpacking goals. Or move out of this city into the life I am looking for.

And I don't say this out of a state of depression. I actually feel a lot of hope for the future. I am just suffering a failure of imagination. We have been in the grind so long that I can't imagine how it will feel not to be in it. Logically, I know things will change. That is the only real constant of our existence. Optimistically, I have plans for later this summer, and on forward involving outdoor adventures and big life changes. I just can't quite imagine any of it being real right now. Not that I could have imagined the 2020s starting off the way they have either.

To be completely fair, I didn't imagine any of my adult life playing out the way that it has, and I'm not even saying that I hate it or have many regrets. It's just not what I would have predicted. But what can I really say? Life is random. We like to think we can control things, but in reality, isn't it all just randomness? It's scary, vast, and true. It's why people invented religion and politics - to provide some sense of order to a random, terrifying existence. Which is a thought I actually find comforting, even if it prompts other people to call me a heathen (or worse). 

I'm not sure what point I am trying to make here. I am actually full of hope. I hope that we will learn a lesson from this pandemic and move forward in a better way. Although I am skeptical given that I live in a province that has had a big display of lack of concern for others, resistance to public health measures, blatant displays of racism, battles with doctors and nurses during a public health crisis, and a fight with a Bigfoot cartoon. It has lowered my expectations.

I am making no predictions. Not for the rest of the year. Maybe I will get to do my planned hiking and camping trips. Maybe I will get back on the climbing wall. I definitely went back to climbing and running too soon, and am currently paying that price. Maybe I need to be more patient with my recovery. For now, my point is that I am still here. Still pushing on. Still hoping.

Injury recovery is boring

I believe in being honest about recovering from an injury. I have read a lot of talar fracture stories, and some are filled with toxic positivity (just stay positive and focus on the good things!!) while others are extreme, worst care scenarios (shattered talus, life altering injuries). I think I fall somewhere in between.

To recap, I slipped off a bouldering wall on September 19, 2019. I landed on the side of my left foot (with a wonderful popping sound), was initially told it was just a bad sprain, and found out 2 days later that it was fractured. 4 weeks non-weight bearing, 2 more weeks in an Air Boot. Then, 10 weeks in a brace that I wore while working, or walking for long periods of time, but I am trying to transition out of except for exercising. 

Up until about 3 weeks ago, I truly believed I could be back to climbing and running, and all my previous activity level by early February. I am starting to see that this is unlikely. It's frustrating, and I wish that my doctor or physiotherapist had been more upfront with me. When I said what activities I wanted to get back to, they should have told me a realistic timeframe. I don't feel that my treatment plan has been wrong, but the mental aspect is crushing me. This is where I needed a reality check that nobody gave me. And I'm doing the work. I am exercising it every day, taking the stairs in my apartment, stretching it when watching TV, sucking up the pain, and following all medical advice. It's just going to take time.

So what are my goals? 

1. Get back on a bouldering wall ASAP. Yes, this is a bouldering injury. No, that is not going to stop me. In finding bouldering, I have found an activity that I love, a place where I can focus on the activity in front of me, use problem-solving skills, and push myself physically. It hurts not to know when I can go back.

2. Hiking. I want to knock some trails off my hiking bucket list this summer. I need my ankle to be flexible and strong to go up steep hills. I have some backpacking trips I was hoping to do, so I need to be able to carry a relatively heavy pack.

3. Photography. Technically this is the easiest to do with an injured ankle, but it helps to be pretty mobile to get different angles. Plus I like landscape photography, so I need to be able to walk to the best photo spots.

4. Snowshoeing. I really wanted to get out a few times this year, even just to Elk Island. I'm hoping I might be able to do it late season (maybe early March?), but we will see.

5. Running. I'm not the best runner out there, but I like being able to go out 5-10km a few times a week. I think this might be one of the harder ones to get back to, with the impact and the motion.

So how far away am I? Right now, I recently became able to flex my ankle past 90 degrees (and my non-injured one is hypermobile in that direction). I can do a handful of squats, but not very low. I'm scared to even go for a walk with the ice (who knows what would happen if I rolled that ankle). I'm working on strength, but it is still wobbly. Also, it hurts and swells every day, particularly working on my feet. It's extremely stiff in the mornings. It's been 20 weeks, and it feels like progress has stalled. I'm losing motivation, and people keep saying to focus on the positive. While I know they mean well, it's frustrating. It feels like my anger and sadness are being invalidated. And the dismissive "You're young(ish), it seems fine, why are you complaining?" 

I have been in pain every day for 20 weeks. And this might be my new normal. I can deal with the pain if it means getting back to the things I love. I just wish someone would be honest with me about the timeline.

And the pandemic makes it hard too. I can't go to a regular gym, who knows when climbing will be able to safely reopen. So how will this all go? Who can say? I am slowly finding I feel less pain and notice less swelling, but the gap between here and the activity level I want just seems insurmountable. I cannot believe that one little slip landed me here. I have been failing spectacularly at my hobbies over the last few years. It hurts (inside and out), and it's embarrassing. I don't quite know how to make it better. I just know I have to try.