I believe in being honest about recovering from an injury. I have read a lot of talar fracture stories, and some are filled with toxic positivity (just stay positive and focus on the good things!!) while others are extreme, worst care scenarios (shattered talus, life altering injuries). I think I fall somewhere in between.
To recap, I slipped off a bouldering wall on September 19, 2019. I landed on the side of my left foot (with a wonderful popping sound), was initially told it was just a bad sprain, and found out 2 days later that it was fractured. 4 weeks non-weight bearing, 2 more weeks in an Air Boot. Then, 10 weeks in a brace that I wore while working, or walking for long periods of time, but I am trying to transition out of except for exercising.
Up until about 3 weeks ago, I truly believed I could be back to climbing and running, and all my previous activity level by early February. I am starting to see that this is unlikely. It's frustrating, and I wish that my doctor or physiotherapist had been more upfront with me. When I said what activities I wanted to get back to, they should have told me a realistic timeframe. I don't feel that my treatment plan has been wrong, but the mental aspect is crushing me. This is where I needed a reality check that nobody gave me. And I'm doing the work. I am exercising it every day, taking the stairs in my apartment, stretching it when watching TV, sucking up the pain, and following all medical advice. It's just going to take time.
So what are my goals?
1. Get back on a bouldering wall ASAP. Yes, this is a bouldering injury. No, that is not going to stop me. In finding bouldering, I have found an activity that I love, a place where I can focus on the activity in front of me, use problem-solving skills, and push myself physically. It hurts not to know when I can go back.
2. Hiking. I want to knock some trails off my hiking bucket list this summer. I need my ankle to be flexible and strong to go up steep hills. I have some backpacking trips I was hoping to do, so I need to be able to carry a relatively heavy pack.
3. Photography. Technically this is the easiest to do with an injured ankle, but it helps to be pretty mobile to get different angles. Plus I like landscape photography, so I need to be able to walk to the best photo spots.
4. Snowshoeing. I really wanted to get out a few times this year, even just to Elk Island. I'm hoping I might be able to do it late season (maybe early March?), but we will see.
5. Running. I'm not the best runner out there, but I like being able to go out 5-10km a few times a week. I think this might be one of the harder ones to get back to, with the impact and the motion.
So how far away am I? Right now, I recently became able to flex my ankle past 90 degrees (and my non-injured one is hypermobile in that direction). I can do a handful of squats, but not very low. I'm scared to even go for a walk with the ice (who knows what would happen if I rolled that ankle). I'm working on strength, but it is still wobbly. Also, it hurts and swells every day, particularly working on my feet. It's extremely stiff in the mornings. It's been 20 weeks, and it feels like progress has stalled. I'm losing motivation, and people keep saying to focus on the positive. While I know they mean well, it's frustrating. It feels like my anger and sadness are being invalidated. And the dismissive "You're young(ish), it seems fine, why are you complaining?"
I have been in pain every day for 20 weeks. And this might be my new normal. I can deal with the pain if it means getting back to the things I love. I just wish someone would be honest with me about the timeline.
And the pandemic makes it hard too. I can't go to a regular gym, who knows when climbing will be able to safely reopen. So how will this all go? Who can say? I am slowly finding I feel less pain and notice less swelling, but the gap between here and the activity level I want just seems insurmountable. I cannot believe that one little slip landed me here. I have been failing spectacularly at my hobbies over the last few years. It hurts (inside and out), and it's embarrassing. I don't quite know how to make it better. I just know I have to try.
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